It’s known that pirates search for buried treasures, archaeology dig for lost civilizations, and investigators for malicious criminals. I for once went into a pursuit to find a psychiatrist, in what was similar to looking for a needle in a haystack. The needle in my case, was understanding how MS affects my mental health, so I can face the upcoming challenges with enough knowledge to keep myself focused and sane from the ups and downs of Multiple Sclerosis.
Long story short, I had already consulted 2 psychiatrists. They have been recommended to me from those aware of my chronic illness and I also had a couple of phone calls with a psychiatrist as part of a program sponsored by my Disease-Modifying Drug (DMD) pharmaceutical company.
As you might already know, and as you did experience, it was never easy to find the right psychiatrist. I for sure didn’t and don’t have the energy, time and financial means to turn around and experiment with the plethora of psychiatrist there is.
I just wanted to leave then… I decided to still give it another try…
I couldn’t understand, accept or tolerate the fact that the first psychiatrist I had an appointment with, literally picked up a phone call while I was just starting to expose the issues I’m deal with since my MS diagnosis. I just wanted to leave then… I decided to still give it another try and a second appointment, but the damage was already done. I lost the mirage of trust I was genuinely trying to have with the psychiatrist, thanks to a phone call.
Till this day, I don’t recall very well how I ended up talking to the second psychiatrist about my father’s choice to change his family name, and how it’s probably linked to my current situation. By the way, I don’t even remember how many appointments I had with the second psychiatrist in particular, but I do remember, the lack of trust that kept building up as I spoke.
…you know, I just need to positively think about it and everything will be fine.
Lastly, the psychiatrist who called me felt more like a telemarketer than a psychiatrist. I tolerated the long script reciting until the psychiatrist gave me examples of some well know public figures, like Will Smith and Stephen Hawking and then, it turned into a motivational speech with almost any regards to what I said or expressed about the issues I deal with. Because, you know, I just need to positively think about it and everything will be fine. The next calls were basically to remind me that I can call the psychiatrist whenever I feel it.
It’s clear that I can’t take a stand from few experiences, but I have always heard and read about how difficult it is to find the right psychiatrist. I do understand now why.
…I would like to understand how MS is affecting my mental health.
Reading about MS effects on mental health doesn’t bring any “enlightenment” to me at this point, as I would like to understand how MS is affecting my mental health, taking into account my specific issues and situation. You might say that I should be patient and trust the psychiatrists abilities and methodology. I just couldn’t experiment anymore and I don’t want to enforce it on myself either.
I admit and acknowledge that my previous mental health state, including emotions, behaviors and so on, is exponentially altered by Multiple Sclerosis. I do feel when I’m at the verge of a breakdown yet, I can’t figure out if it’s justified or maybe I’m using MS as a scapegoat.
Another issue that, thanks to MS, is holding me back from achieving any goals personally or professional , is how to get out of my comfort zone? It was already a challenge prior of my MS diagnosis, now it looks like an indestructible fort.
I have to break if at some point, or at least turn around it, to go on and live with MS. I just wanna talk… Maybe I’ll figure out how to break free…